This Thing Called "Motherhood"

Being a mother.

From as far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom. At the age of 7 I used to play house with my cousin Ann. We made daily schedules with the exact time of our cabbage patch dolls next diaper, bath, bottle, nap, etc. We would take our dolls for walks and rock them in our arms. Mamie Ursula was my baby girl.

My little bro David was also threatened by me always super excited to play house with me. We would lay our baby dolls down to go to sleep and then him and I would lay in bed next to them. It seemed that our little ones would never drift right off to sleep and I recall Daddy David yelling "YOU NEED TO GO TO BED RIGHT NOW! THIS IS NIGHT TIME!" He was gentle like that.

In between those times I enjoyed my years of forming, independence, and freedom. I enjoyed all the things that come along with being an adolescent, a teenager, and a young woman. (Maybe a little too much sometimes). :)

After Chris and I met and married we both were excited about the opportunity of having a family at some point. It was something that we both really wanted to experience. We decided though that being we were only 23 years old, that we would wait and enjoy married life for "awhile." We never really had a plan as far as how long we would wait - but we thought that maybe five years or so would be nice.

I have no regrets about that time that we had together. We had a lot of growing up to do (ahem...still do). We had the opportunity to travel, to talk, to go out for dinners together and weekend get-a-ways. We had the chance to really get to know each other.

I have blogged here before about our experience with getting pregnant so I won't go in to all of that again....but it was a journey.

And then there was the announcement of twins. And then there was bed rest. And then there was the birth. And then there was the NICU. And then there were two boys home at last.

And now...here we are...nearly 9 months after they came home from the hospital...

And I still sometimes just shake my head. Motherhood. How one word can encompass so much. There is so much I want to say in this post, and yet I am having trouble finding the words to say it!

Being a Mom is a roller coaster. Maybe it's even magnified with twins. It has changed so many things in my life. So many things that sometimes I struggle to see any similarities between this life now and the life that I had before. It has changed the way that I view friendships, the way that I view myself, the way that I view my husband, the way that I view my own parents for the incredible way they raised me. It has changed a lot of things.

In a typical day it is amazing how many emotions I can go through. I have my moments where I just want to hop in the car and head back to teaching again. The thought of a quiet car ride to and from work, lunch with friends, a room full of kids who can tie their own shoes and use the bathroom by themselves...it all just sounds so nice sometimes!

There are moments in a day where I think back to life before. Casually hopping in the car to go out to eat with my husband. Inviting friends over for dinner and game nights on the weekends. Spontaneously planning a weekend get-a-way. Sometimes I miss those days and long for them again.

And then I have moments...

where I realize that this is right where I belong.

Where even though I'm doing laundry, and making dinner, and changing diapers over and over and over, and singing songs, and reading stories, and making baby food, and cleaning toilets, and washing bottles, and sweeping the floor...I'm content.

where I realize that what I'm doing here is really, really valuable. For certain the most valuable thing that I will ever do in my life.

that I realize that my boys are almost ten months old. That they are all the sudden crawling around, pulling up on furniture, copying me and eachother, watching everything I do, starting to put sounds together....and they are growing so fast.

where their smile, their giggles, their head on my shoulder, their little bums shaking back and forth as they crawl chasing after the cat, their sounds in the morning when we enter the nursery... completely capture my heart.

oh it all becomes worth it.

It all becomes so much more than I could ever explain, ever hope for, ever ask for, ever feel worthy of.

It's just a crazy, wild, thing. It really is. It's radical. It's big. It's scary. It's a responsibility like no other.

And all I can do is pray for someone up there to help me out when I have no idea what I'm doing...hold on....keep a good sense of humor...and just enjoy the ride.