Christopher

Happy anniversary sweetheart.

I love you. What an incredible, loving husband and father you are. What amazing changes have come from the first picture to the second. It's been quite the ride. I don't know how to express to you in words what you mean to me...to us. What I do know is that you truly have become my other half. There may be days when I want to beat you up - but you have become so much a part of me that sometimes it's hard to see where I end and you begin. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, believing in me, laughing with me...

What's in store in the next 8 years?

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way ` than this:

where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda-

If Only Someone Would Have Told Me

If Mama Ain't Happy

My blog posts are usually created when I am feeling particularly witty (or at least think I am - haha), when my spirits are high and I am in the depths of motherly bliss. I don't often share when I am feeling like this:

http://images-cdn01.associatedcontent.com/image/A7678/76782/300_76782.jpg

There are many times where this is exactly the way I feel. The other day I was talking to a dear friend of mine and she was commenting on how amazed she was with me and the way I am handling raising twins. She said that I have it so together and wanted to know my tricks. I told her that she was completely deceived and delusional - because in reality that is far from the truth!
I can easily paint a picture of complete control, of total mother/babies harmony...but that's not the way it always is!
Now don't get me wrong. There are moments where I think to myself "Huh, this ain't so bad! I have this twin thing completely under control!" But then there are those moments...quite often...
when they both need me
when they both want to be held and not put down
when they both wanted to eat five minutes ago
when they both need their diaper changed in a really bad way
when they both spit up and drop their face right in to it
when they both are screaming and I'm not sure which one to grab first - worried that I will scar the other one for life if he is always chosen last
when I realize that I should shower at least once in the week
when I've drank one glass of water the entire day
when, at 4 in the afternoon I realize it's too late to even worry about changing out of my pj's.
There are moments where I want to become a thumb sucker too. I want to lay on the floor and cry right along with them!

I just want to keep it real! I'm not a super Mom! Am I a mother who loves her children? Yes. Am I a mother who loves being home with my twins every second of every day? No. Are they moments where I think back to life before babies and think "ahhhh...." Yes. Are there moments where I look at these two little boys on the floor and think "For real? Mine?" Yep. Are there moments when I want to hop in the car, begin driving, and come back in a few days? Uh huh. Would I change any of what I have right now for anything different though? No.

It's tough.
It's not always easy.
It's not always perfect.
It's not neat.
Not always organized.
Not always happy.
Not always peaceful.
Not always amazing.

But it is
powerful
a blessing
my role
my responsibility
such deep love
incredible
a lot of work that's so worth every minute

There is nothing like being a mother. There is nothing that could have prepared me for it. Nothing that I could love more, but also nothing that could be more challenging. Nothing that could be so rewarding. Nothing that could make me feel more needed and loved. Each and every day I pray for wisdom. I pray for patience. I pray for good naps and lots of smiles (from me and them! :). I try to enjoy the moments I have. To get down on the floor with them. To smother them in kisses. To squeeze their little diapered butts. To sing songs and clap my hands. To rock them and cuddle them.

It will go all too fast.

Easy Living

Ethan

E and G - Aren't they cute?? :)

Chris with Grayson

MawMaw and Ethan

It's a rough life for a 6 month old. Really. I mean, just think about all they have to do in a day:

1. Wake up after an awesome night sleep all toasty and warm in your crib.
2. Talk to yourself or to your brother until one of your parents finishes their first cup of coffee and finally comes to say good morning.
3. Have the good morning song sung to you as you crab your toes and say hello to them after the long night apart.
4. Cuddle with Mommy or Daddy before your five pound diaper full of pee gets changed.
5. Drink your morning milk that is already warmed and waiting for your beside the couch.
6. Play on the floor with your toys. Roll around and show off your skills.
7. Smile and coo at your brother a few times.
8. Spit up and face plant in it no matter how quick Mommy and Daddy try and get there.
9. Toot all you want and nobody gets mad.
10. Suck your thumb like a mad man.
11. Take another nap because 12 hours must have just not been quite enough.
12. Repeat.

Yesterday the boys went to their first pool party. We got them all lathered up, put their swim gear on, and in they went! At first they were unsure of it all. Their eyes were wide as their feet hit that cool water. It wasn't long though before their little legs were kicking machines!

There were some other big boys there jumping and splashing in the pool. Ethan wasn't sure of those splashes. He did his famous little pouty lip cry - but seemed to get used to it as time went on. Good thing! We can't raise any wimpy boys!

Oh they're fun. They are work, but they are fun!

Off to change more wet diapers and eat some cereal! (Not me...them).

So that's what the hype is all about!

I find it amusing that I started this post a few days ago, published the title, and am just now writing the body of the message! The to-do-list on my counter grows every day and the amount of things I am able to cross off isn't too many!

I have so many posts to catch up on. So much has been happening around here. I really want to try better to keep up with it all!

The hype I am referring to is the boys response to FOOD! We started them on some delicious rice cereal this past Saturday. They have been watching us eat for a few weeks now and just staring at us and licking their lips as we put the food into our own mouths, so we thought it may be time to start them out!

I had Ethan for his first feeding. I put the little man in his chair and strapped him down good. We put a bib on, and off we went! The first spoonful hit his lips, he opened his mouth, and I stuck the spoon inside. He looked up at me with these huge eyes questioning what this stuff was in his mouth! He quickly caught on though and polished off every bite of that bowl.

Grayson did the same with Chris. He didn't make much of a mess and ate every last bit! Monday I had the pleasure of feeding both boys all at once. ha. It was a MESS! I put both boys in their chairs, tipped their chairs back ( they are made to do that - don't worry! :) ), stuck their bottles in and let them drink half, pulled their bottles out, grabbed the bowl of cereal with one spoon and quickly shoveled it back and forth between the boys. They were like little birds waiting for their next spoonful. Ethan was impatient and didn't want to wait for his brother to get his bites! We did it though! They love that stuff!

We are slowly increasing the amounts and soon will start some veggies. I am really excited to prepare and freeze them!

Big E looking sooo pumped for his first meal!


G.J. with Daddy

Ethan day 2
E with his empty bowl! He was happy - really!

Half a Year Old!

Ethan
Grayson

Grayson on left and Ethan on right wearing their big boy pajamas!

Grayson on left, Ethan on right

Ethan

Gone are the days of rushing here and there, of filling my schedule with odds and ends outside the home. I find myself so content for right now to just be here, laying on a blanket, playing with my two sons. There is something so sweet about having time together as a family, about having no agenda, no schedule to stick to, and just being able to enjoy life!

I know that soon enough the day will come when we will be back to rushing again...when the boys have ballet lessons (make a daddy proud!), sleepovers, sports practice, birthday parties... so for now we will enjoy the quiet life...the life where my babies love getting smothered in kisses and cuddling with their Mommy. I can't believe that day may eventually come to an end!

But here we are...six months in this big world already...where once I had little babies, I now see two little boys! They are really starting show some signs of their little personalities. They are such happy boys and love to play and giggle.

Here are some stats on big brother (by 23 minutes) Ethan:

• Weighed 20 pounds, 4 ounces at the Dr. yesterday


• 27 1/2 inches long
  

When laid on his tummy he pulls his little knees up under him and really tries to move around the room. He hasn't quite mastered the getting the arms part up, so instead he drags his face across the blanket while his legs just push his little body along!

He is grabbing for everything! For a long time I was concerned because they weren't reaching for things...but it was like they woke up one morning and said "Oh! My hands can do that!!" Now it's constant. I even had to take out my earrings Sunday morning because little Eeatie was trying to pull them off my face!

Ethan is such a giggler. If you tickle him pretty much anywhere on his body he will just giggle and giggle. His giggles make me giggle, so we are just two fools laughing it up! He loves getting kisses on his neck or cheeks. He gets a huge grin on his face and does this little excitement pant. There is nothing like their little breath and the sounds they make.

Ethan adores his Daddy. When Chris enters the room Ethan will stop everything he's doing and just grin from ear to ear at his adult twin (they do look SO much alike!). If Chris isn't looking at Ethan, Ethan will just continue to stare and smile at him until Chris turns his way. Then Ethan will kick his little feet, squeal, and start giggling. Melts my heart every time!

Little boy Grayson:

• 20 pounds, 2 ounces


• 28 1/2 inches long (off the charts!)

Grayson makes, and has always made, the cutest noises. He used to be a grunter. A big time grunter. He used to grunt every time he moved an inch of his body. Now he just loves to talk to himself. He coos and also makes this cute little hissing sound in the back of his throat. Grayson also loves to spit! He will put those little lips together and blow some mega spit bubbles.

Grayson is also getting to be a huge mover. You lay him on a blanket, come back a few minutes later, and he is in a completely different position than when you left him. Gone soon are my days of being able to lay them down and walk away! Yikes!

We are finally breaking the swaddle for both boys. I was growing concerned that one day their wives were going to have to wrap them up tight before going to bed! They Uncle James has an entire comedy routine about the boys and their swaddles. I should ask him to be a guest poster. :) We are still wrapping their legs and tummies at night time, but we are leaving their arms out. They are HUGE thumb suckers (is that good or bad??) and love the comfort of their little thumb as they drift off to sleep.

We will be starting food here soon. Maybe even this weekend! They are showing little bird signs and an interest in the big people food that Chris and I have been eating. The Dr. told us to lay out a tarp, cover all nearby furniture, and get ready! It should be fun! I plan on making all of the boys food - so I am looking forward to that. I just have such a huge desire to start them out on the right foot, to really be aware of every bite of food that is going to enter their little mouths starting now.

Dr. Ashton also told us that it is time to baby proof! He told Chris and I to crawl around the house on our hands and knees with an empty toilet paper roll. Anything that can fit through there is too small to have laying around. We also need to tack up all cords that may be hanging down.

Haha. It's going to be a WHOLE new world when these little men start moving! The other day our neighbor, who has two little boys, asked Chris how I was doing here at home. Chris said that I was doing fine and had everything all under control. She laughed and said "Just wait until they start crawling!" Can you say pack-n-plays!?! :)

Emotional Fruit Loop

Yesterday was the last day of school for my students. They were dismissed at 1:00. I was close to tears a few times in the day, but the reality of this being my last group of kids for awhile didn't really seem to sink in.

Today, though, was a teacher work day. I spent the day sorting through cupboards, files, tubs, and drawers. Trying hard to determine what, of everything I had hoarded the past five years, was to be kept, discarded, or given away. I was doing fine - focused, on a mission, getting the job finished...until the new teacher...my replacement...came to meet with my team mates. :)

At that moment, when I saw her face, it hit me ... "This isn't my room anymore!" I just about lost it, broke down right there in front of this poor little college graduate....but I kept it together long enough for her to leave my room, and then I cried my way on down the hallway.

I pulled myself together and headed back to my room, just in time for my friend Irene to come in and ask if I needed anything. I told her that all I needed was a hug. Well that was all it took! The floodgates opened again! That has now been the story of my evening. I have been an emotional wreck!

My emotions are all over the board. I have been reliving all of the memories that were created in Room 803. The things I have learned, the friendships I've made, the laughs I have had, the children I taught, the frustrations, the lives I've helped to mold, the heart breaking sadness of some situations, the incredible experience of seeing a child "get it!" It has been an amazing ride. Truly, and without a doubt, where I was supposed to be these past five years. I have had an amazing team, made amazing friends, worked for amazing administration...and I will miss it.

But then I walked through the door this evening and I see two wide-eyed six month old boys looking up at me from their exersaucers. I see smiles from ear to ear and I hear the sound of their little voices trying to tell me all about their day. I see their little feet bouncing around with excitement about their Mommy walking in the door. I know, that for this time in my life, this is where I am supposed to be. This home is my classroom, these sons are my students. I look forward to the next many years before the boys start school. I think about all of the things that i want them to learn, the things I want them to experience, the things I want to do together. I am so thankful for this opportunity, but also so overwhelmed with the responsibility of becoming the primary caregiver for the lives of my children. I want to make each day, each moment, each minute count. I want to look back on that first day of kindergarden and feel proud of the job Chris and I did in raising and nurturing them to that point.

I pray for strength, for wisdom, for patience, and for guidance as this new chapter in our lives is opening. I never would have guessed a little over a year ago that I would be resigning from my job to stay home and care for my identical twin boys. You just never know how life is going to turn out.

What the?

Where do the days go? May 25th was my last post - how does that happen!

You just wait! Wait until I am a stay-at-home Mama. You are going to get the play by play, the nitty gritty, the ins and outs, the minute by minute - no...second by second - account of ALL that goes on in this little house of 4. Can barely stand the anticipation can you?

Life here is good! Just C.R.A.Z.Y! It's good though - allll good. Just finishing up school...and how strange to not just be finishing it up for the summer. I am going through each drawer, each cupboard, each folder and carefully selecting what to pack up for the next so many years, what to throw, and what to give away. It's amazing how much can be accumulated in just 5 years!

I am watermeloncholy (credit to Unca Mike for that great word) though at times saying goodbye to it all. Even though I know that I can return to teaching again when the boys start school - I also know that it will never be quite like this again. I will most likely never return to that same classroom. I will probably never teach with the same team again. Who knows if I will even ever return to 4th grade or even to that school!

I have found myself thinking back on the last 5 years and being amazed with all that has happened in that classroom during this time. What will the next five years bring?

Ethan and Grayson are amazing. It is truly hard to believe that they are almost 6 months old. The old saying "Time Flies" really is true! They are changing daily and keep me on my toes!
Tonight is the 5th grade graduation at our school. It was one year ago on this day that I found out I was having twins. I will never forget it. I had just found out the news at the Dr. and then tried to go and sit through graduation. Uhhh....not happening! I was sitting there just saying over and over to myself "We're having two!" "We're having two!" "I'm pregnant with two babies!" It was the most surreal feeling and I finally just had to get up and walk out. I was about to burst and I couldn't tell anyone around me what was happening!

A year later we hit a big milestone tonight and it pumps me up! It may seem like a small thing...but for the FIRST time tonight I fed and put the boys down ALL BY MYSELF thankyouverymuch. You may find this shocking (and even perhaps a tad pathetic and first-time-parentish)that it took this long - but until this point we have ALWAYS had two people here to feed the boys in the evening. I always liked the idea of them being held while they got their bottle - and we weren't able to feed one baby at a time before this, because they used to take an hour to drink their bottle and I just don't think one baby would have been patient quite that long for me.

Now though these boys can suck an 8.5 oz. bottle down in under 10 minutes! Amazing from our rejoicing in the NICU when they used to drink 1 oz. after an hour and a half!

Tonight we weathered our first thunderstorm together (Daddy had class). I then changed them both and laid Ethan on a blanket in the nursery while I fed Grayson. Ethan just sucked his little thumb and watched us. He was so patient! I burped Grayson and laid him in his crib. He cried for all of about a minute before he dozed off to sleep. I then fed Ethan, burped him, and he cried for just two minutes before falling asleep.

BOO YAH BOO YAH! (This just reminded me. The other night I had a dream that I was M.C. Hammer. I wasn't just dressed as M.C. Hammer. I was THEE M.C. Hammer. My co-worker Phyllis was my awesome back-up dancer).

It just feels SO good. SO, SO good to know that this Mama can take care of her babies. At first it was hard for me to know that I could not physically take care of them all by myself. Sometimes I felt like just another one of the helpers instead of their mother.

I do though want to give credit where credit is due. We have had AMAZING help here over the past 5 months since they've been home. I don't know what we would have done without Chris's parents, family, and even our dear neighbor. We have been so blessed. Also, this does not mean that we don't want or need help from here on out! Don't leave us now! :)
And now - enough rambling. On to the pictures of my chunker munkers.

Sweet eyed Ethan and his little duck
Kissable Grayson

Elf eared Ethan (It's the mirror!)

Naked Grayson (who was peeing on my couch as this picture was being taken)

The best part of my morning - seeing my happy boys.

This is Ethan stretching those legs.