Pulled

A blogging friend of mine touched on this subject a few days ago, and it struck home as something that I so easily struggle with too.

The role of being a mother.

In so many ways I feel like life has been completely transformed for me. I look at the life I have now and it is hard to find many similarities between this and the life that I used to lead.

The life of a professional. The life where the coffee pot was always set the night before, the dress pants and high heels were laid out by my closet ready to be put on early the next morning. The life where on a whim I could fly out the door for dinner with my husband, time out with friends, or trying on some clothes at The Loft. ;) The life where I also used to fit in to those jeans. *Sigh.

I lay in bed some mornings, feeling weary of going through the exact same motions that I did the day before. I look at another day where a walk around the block or a trip to the park may be our grandiose adventure for the day. I look ahead to a day where five minutes alone to shower would be an incredible gift and the thought of wearing any nice clothes around the house seems like a waste because I know they'll just be covered in some type of food, spit, or waste before the day is through. Some moments I just long to be free. To go where I want to go, when I want to go, and do what I want to do...not worrying about the next nap, the next meal, the next diaper, how I'll transport and care for two boys once we get there. It is so selfish. I know. I am an extremely selfish person at times and I'm not afraid to admit it!

It's so much easier when I blog or talk to friends to paint this picture of everything being perfect. Hunky Dory motherhood where all day long the boys play sweetly together with their toys while humming Barney tunes (okay no - that would be so NOT hunky dory). Where they eat everything that is offered to them without fussing and never cry regardless of how hungry they are and how long it takes their pokey multi-tasking Mama to prepare their meal. Where we hold hands and sing Kumbaya all while keeping our outfits completely clean and pressed and every strand of hair completely in place. Ya know...a Leave It To Beaver kind of life. Painting a picture where I never get frazzled, never overwhelmed, never bored, never swallowed up by the mounds of laundry and poopy diapers, never lonely, never amazed by the amazing amount of dust and stuff on the carpet that seem to accumulate every.single.day, never sucking my thumb and rocking in the corner while my boys reak havok around me and cover the living room floor in legos from one end to the other for the fifteenth time that day. But alas, my life picture doesn't quite fit that frame. I guess it would be true of any job though eh? Nobody loves their job every single day, for every single moment....and the thing with this job is that there are no holidays, no summer vacations, no snow days, no checking out at 4:00 and taking a quiet 1/2 hour drive home to unwind.

But then the next moment, when I'm not cleaning off my glasses from little boy prints, or relenting and pulling my hair back into a ponytail after getting it pulled numerous times, I find myself in awe looking at these little boys before me. Little Ethan who loves to try and repeat so many words that we say. The little boy who grins and without warning just takes off walking for my arms. The same little boy who is trying to become an extremely picky eater and tries to drop every bite of dinner on the floor unless it's bananas, green beans, or cereal!

And then there's Grayson who tonight locked eyes with me as I put lotion on him after his bath. He was laying on his back and his little face was just looking at me with such awe and love. It just melted me completely and I just locked eyes right back. This little boy loves to cuddle. Laying his head up against you while he sucks his thumb and holds his blanket.

I then realize that I just need to snap out of it when those moments of my pity party hit. How quickly will these years pass before these boys no longer want to hang on my legs in the kitchen or cuddle up next to me for a story? How soon will they be running off to play with each other and not need, or want, their Mama around so much anymore?

There just isn't a job quite like this one I've ever had before. One that has tried me, stretched me, challenged me, encouraged me, blessed me, or completely awed me...as being the mother to these two sons.